


Not breathing to feel you

by Dalankar



Category: Super Junior, TVXQ
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 03:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He watches Donghae laugh under the bright lights of their local take away shop and wonders whether it is selfish to love like this, no matter what, no matter how and thinks you're mine, now and forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not breathing to feel you

Kyuhyun reaches out, almost absent mindedly, to adjust the collar of Donghae's jacket. Donghae leans back a little in to the touch, a small smile on his lips. Sungmin catches the exchange and raises an eyebrow at Kyuhyun who shrugs at him in explanation.

 

"He seems better," Sungmin comments when Donghae leaves them for the bathroom.

 

"I'm looking after him, aren't I?

 

"Has Hyukjae-"

 

"Don't say his name!" Kyuhyun snaps, setting his cup down on the table with a clang that would have spilled his coffee if he hadn't finished it already. "Do you know how hard he's trying? How hard it is for him?" Kyuhyun asks, voice softer but no less intense, "Please don't remind him anymore."

 

Sungmin swallows his anger with a sip of his tea. "I'm sorry." Sungmin finally reaches out to touch Kyuhyun's hand gently, "I'm glad you're with him."

Kyuhyun lets his face relax in to a small smile. Donghae arrives to find them sitting in easy companionship.

 

"You're both smiling," he wonders, "Should I be worried?"

 

Kyuhyun reaches out and takes Donghae's hand. "Sungmin is jealous of me," he says with a small smile, "because I get to spend more time with you."

 

Donghae's eyes widen in distress. "I'm sorry, hyung. I promise I'll visit you more often."

 

Sungmin stands up and pulls Donghae into his arms. "I'm not upset Donghae-ah," and kisses Donghae's forehead to prove his point.

 

Donghae sighs and relaxes in Sungmin's arms, breathing easily against the warm skin of Sungmin's neck, not once letting go of Kyuhyun’s hand.

 

Sungmin is reminded suddenly of before when Donghae would nestle on one side of him and Hyukjae on the other and they would fall asleep like that listening to Sungmin successfully mangle old fairly-tales into his own versions.

 

"Yah! I'm very close to getting jealous over here," Kyuhyun yells but when Sungmin opens his eyes to look at him, he is smiling. Sungmin watches as Donghae sits down by Kyuhyun on the couch, legs folded under him and leaning into him when Kyuhyun immediately wraps an arm around him.

 

When Sungmin leaves a little later with a promise to come visit Donghae at the dance studio, his heart is lighter than it had been in a long time.

 

___

 

_Donghae is mine._

 

Kyuhyun has always claimed Donghae as his'. Even when Hyukjae had still been around. He would say it jokingly back then and Sungmin would laugh, Hyukjae would pretended to be jealous and Donghae? Donghae would look at him like he was surprised and then he would smile. As if he knew even if Kyuhyun said it jokingly, he meant it. That he'd been in love with Donghae ever since Donghae had spent the last of his money to buy him ice cream and walked home because he couldn't afford the bus fare anymore.  His love had been hopeless. To him, utterly unrequited because everyone knew Donghae belonged with Hyukjae like the stars belonged in the sky.  But not so anymore. Now Donghae is post Hyukjae, post an overdose of sleeping pills and barely into mending his broken heart. And Kyuhyun is still waiting.

 

Donghae is mine.

 

He doesn't say it jokingly anymore. And Donghae doesn't smile when he hears it, instead he'd reach for Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun would take his hand and know that it is so much closer to being the truth. If it isn't already.

 

\---

 

Kyuhyun stands against the back wall and watches Donghae dance. Shindong is stalking his dancers, yelling encouragements and criticisms and general Donghee-isms. But Donghae is perfect. All his lines, his timing. From what Kyuhyun can tell with what little knowledge he has about dancing, Donghae is the best dancer of the group. In Kyuhyun's eyes, he's always been the best dancer. He knows others might disagree, even Donghae would disagree. _Hyukjae is the best dancer I've ever seen_ , Donghae used to say, adoring eyes fixed on Hyukjae.  But Kyuhyun had never seen it, never believed it. To him, Donghae had always been the best. Shindong must think so too because he doesn't yell at Donghae once except when Donghae had first caught Kyuhyun's eyes through the wall mirror when he had come in and had smiled at him so widely that he missed a step. Shindong had swiped Donghae over the head and told him to keep his 'mind on the choreography and not on the boyfriend'. Kyuhyun had resisted the urge to burst in to laughter. Boyfriend. Kyuhyun would take that with both hands and a smile.

 

He takes Donghae out to dinner after practise. Tells him stories about how Heechul had been late to work because his hair straightener had blown a fuse and he refused to be seen by the world with less than perfect hair. He watches Donghae laugh under the bright lights of their local take away shop and wonders whether it is selfish to love like this, no matter what, no matter how and thinks you're mine, now and forever.

 

Donghae stills and by the way he's looking at him, Kyuhyun realises he'd said those words out loud.

 

Kyuhyun meets Donghae's eyes and holds him. And for a millisecond he can see the whole of Donghae's past flickering through his mind. He can see the moment Donghae decides to be here, in the now, than in the past with a ghost who might otherwise never let him go.

 

"Okay," Donghae says quietly, reaching out for Kyuhyun's hand and threading their fingers their together. Then he smiles. "Forever?"

 

Kyuhyun feels the blush burn his cheeks but he doesn't try to look away. He doesn't want to miss a second of this moment when Donghae is looking at him with such warm eyes.

 

"You think I'd settle for less than that?" he asks, an eyebrow raised. Donghae ducks his head with a laugh.

 

"I didn't think you'd settle for me, let alone forever." Donghae looks up, eyes wide, "Kyuhyun-"

 

"Shut up. Don't say whatever stupid thing you were just about to say."

 

Donghae starts to lean back in his chair but Kyuhyun holds on to his hand and doesn't let go.

 

"I love you," he declares, drawing the words out of himself. They come easily because he's always wanted to let them out and has been barely keeping them in check all this time. "I'm in love with you."

 

He watches as Donghae takes a deep breath, dark lashes on winter pale skin as he blinks, once, twice, and the way the whole world seem to light up as he breaks in to a wide smile. Kyuhyun breathes, unaware that he'd stopped breathing for a moment there.

 

Later, Donghae stands still as Kyuhyun adjusts the scarf around his neck, their breaths puffing out in white clouds and mingling in the night air. It's Donghae who kisses him first, leaning forward and touching their lips together. Kyuhyun only lets surprise freeze him for a moment before using his grip on Donghae's scarf to pull him closer and can't help smiling into their first kiss.

On the bus on their way home, Donghae leans in to him, head on his shoulder and Kyuhyun wraps an arm around him in case Donghae falls asleep and the bus breaks too hard.

 

"I'm happy." He barely hears the words over the roar of the bus engine. He has to blink a few times to get rid of the tears that spring up. Glad that Donghae can't see him tearing up at two simple words. But it's been so long. He's tried so hard to get the light back in Donghae's eyes. To have him smile with his whole heart instead of just his lips, to have him get back to dancing, which he had loved so much before. To get Donghae past this heart that had been ripped open, even if there had been a time Kyuhyun had thought it almost impossible.

So now to hear Donghae say he's happy and knowing if Kyuhyun could see Donghae's beautiful brown eyes right at this moment, he'd see the truth of those words reflected back at him. Kyuhyun feels like all of his birthdays had come at once with presents and friends and all the things that he loves about that one day, all that happiness just concentrated into this one moment, for this lovely boy falling asleep on his shoulder. He kisses Donghae's hair gently.

 

"Me too."

 

\---

 

Later, when he thinks back on it, he wishes he could have seen Donghae's face, that first time Hyukjae re-entered their lives. But Kyuhyun had been talking to Sungmin who'd come to visit Donghae at the studio. He realises now that Sungmin must have known. That Hyukjae would have told him first. Kyuhyun only realised something was wrong when Donghae didn't answer him about their dinner plans. Kyuhyun had wanted to know whether they should just get take away because it was already late and they both had early starts in the morning. He'd looked up, alerted by Donghae's silence that something was amiss.

 

They'd been staring at each other like the rest of the world didn't exist. Like Hyukjae wasn't responsible for so many of the worst moments in Donghae's life, like Donghae hadn't almost died because of him. Even if Hyukjae didn't know about it, Kyuhyun would always hold him responsible for one of the worst moments in his own life.

 

He'd moved first, in a room seemingly frozen in time, stepped up to Hyukjae who had torn his eyes from Donghae to look at him.

 

"Kyuhyun…"he'd said, as if surprised to see him there.

 

Kyuhyun had never gotten more satisfaction from anything than that moment when his fist connected with Hyukjae's face. He remembers Hyukjae staggering back, the sharp pain of his knuckles and the cries of shock breaking the utter silence of the room. Even if he refused to acknowledge it, he knew one of those shocked voices was Donghae's, that Donghae would always care for Hyukjae. No matter what.

 

He shouldn't have been so angry. He knows. He shouldn't have walked out by himself. But he'd been so scared to turn around and look at Donghae when he hadn't been sure what he would find there. That even after everything, Donghae would choose Hyukjae over him. But he should never have worried because Donghae had come home to him. He'd slipped quietly under the bed covers and pulled at Kyuhyun until he could lay his head on Kyuhyun's shoulder, one hand resting lightly over his heart, making Kyuhyun feel utterly guilty for leaving him at the studio. Even if Sungmin had dropped him home, Kyuhyun had promised never to leave him, when on one of those first nights Donghae had been so scared he'd be left alone.

 

"I'm sorry," he whispers in to the night.

 

"For what?"

 

"I left you at the studio."

 

Donghae laughs softly. "I knew where to find you."

 

Kyuhyun falls asleep to the familiar weight of Donghae by his side, refusing to think about how long before this all ends and he'd wake up alone once more.

 

\---

 

_Hyukjae playfully swipes at Donghae's head. "How are you going to get home if you spend all your money on ice cream, idiot?"_

_Donghae laughs and steps out of reach of Hyukjae's long arms, hiding behind Kyuhyun who spreads his arms wide to protect Donghae._

_"Come on Hyukjae-ah," Donghae pleads, laughter bubbling in his voice, still using Kyuhyun as a shield, hands on Kyuhyun's hips. "I promised Kyuhyun. You don't want me to go back on my promise, do you?"_

_Hyukjae sighs and throws up his hands in defeat. "Fine. Walk home. Why do I care?" he shoulders his bag, “Just don't wake me up when you get home," he says and leaves._

_"Hyukjae-ah, wait!" Donghae yells and Hyukjae lifts a hand in farewell without turning, walking towards the street crossing for the bus stop. Donghae sighs and turns to Kyuhyun just before Hyukjae disappears from their view._

_"What flavour do you want, Kyuhyunnie?"_

_They buy a great concoction of chocolate, strawberry and pistachio. They sit on the side walk and try to eat it all before it melts in the warm summer night._

_Kyuhyun dares Donghae to drink the melted remains of the ice cream and Donghae does, a wide grin on his face and bright eyes. He stays perfectly still when Kyuhyun reaches out to wipe away a smudge of chocolate off his chin._

_"You're always looking out for me, Kyu."_

_"That's because someone needs to, idiot!"_

_He smiles. "And that someone is you?"_

_Kyuhyun shrugs. Donghae laughs and wraps an arm around him, fingers sticky with ice cream drumming over Kyuhyun's skin._

_"I'm glad," he says, "that it's you," he adds when Kyuhyun raises an eyebrow._

_“I can pay for your bus fare,” Kyuhyun offers._

_“Nah. I want to walk,” he says easily._

_“Donghae-“_

_He  pushes at Kyuhyun playfully. “Kyu, seriously, go home. Jungsu hyung will be getting worried. Anyways, it's a nice night. I want to walk.”_

_Kyuhyun pushes back. “It'll take you an hour. And you don't need the exercise.”_

_“No. But I'm okay right now so you don't have to worry about me,” he says with a smile._

_“Are you going to tell me when I should?” Kyuhyun asks._

_He looks at Kyuhyun. “You'll know. You always know when I need you.”_

_They sit quietly side by side for a moment, the city bustling gently around them._

_"Thank you for keeping your promise," Kyuhyun says softly and Donghae smiles and pulls him closer._

_He walks home later that night. And when he is walking past the bus stop and he finds Hyukjae waiting for him, blond head bowed over his phone, absorbed in whatever game he's playing._

_"Wasn't going to let you walk home, Donghae, you idiot!" Hyukjae mutters in the face of Donghae's blinding smile because Hyukjae had waited an hour for him._

 

\---

 

"Finally decided to visit your old abode did you?" he asks, barely looking up from his laptop when Donghae enters the living room.

 

"I'm sorry, hyung."

 

Heechul looks up at that, takes in Donghae standing in the middle of the room and almost knocks his chair over in his haste to get to him.

 

"Donghae-ah," he walks in quick steps towards Donghae, "What's wrong?"

 

Donghae reaches for him and Heechul gathers him into his chest, guiding Donghae to the couch and sitting him down. Donghae buries his face in Heechul's neck with a tired sigh.

 

"Hyukjae…" Donghae whispers and Heechul forces himself not to tense up at that name escaping Donghae's lips after such a long time.

 

He runs his fingers gently through Donghae's hair. "I heard he's back."

 

Donghae makes a sound against his chest and Heechul can't tell whether it is a laugh or a sob.

 

"He said he wouldn't and that he was sorry and I should move on." Donghae sounds so confused and Heechul curses Hyukjae quietly in his mind for being a weak willed little shit.

 

"Have you talked to him?"

 

Donghae shakes his head and Heechul feels Donghae's hair sliding against the skin of his neck.

 

"I don't think Kyu would like it," Donghae says, "he doesn't like Hyukjae very much, hyung."

 

Heechul wants to laugh. Unlike you, he wants to say.

 

"You shouldn't worry so much about what Kyuhyun wants, Donghae-ah."

 

"He stayed." Donghae pulls away to rub at his eyes, "Kyuhyun stayed when…"

 

Heechul remembers all those sleepless nights in the hospital, Kyuhyun taking days off work to look after Donghae because he didn't want to leave him alone.

 

"I know that." Heechul pulls Donghae's hands down and rubs at them gently, "But don't live to regret love, Donghae."

 

Donghae looks up at him, lashes sticky with tears. "If you could… with Jungsu hyung… would you?"

 

Heechul looks away, hands stilling on Donghaes', "In a heartbeat," he whispers and then Donghae is crying and apologising and Heechul wraps his arms around this kid he had loved for so long and wishes he could go back to when it was just Donghae and him and no dimpled bastards or gummy smiled idiots had even thought about coming in to their lives.

 

\---

 

"He doesn't belong to you!"

 

Kyuhyun doesn't flinch, doesn't step back. And Heechul actually snarls at him.

 

"He's not a piece of furniture that you can own! You can't just expect to keep him forever and ignore what he wants!"

 

That gets him. "I'm not ignoring-"

 

"He's fucking miserable, Kyuhyun! Or haven't you noticed? How long do you think you can keep him from seeing Hyukjae?"

 

"I'm not-"

 

"Who was it that punched Hyukjae in the face? Goddamn it, Kyu! Donghae is the kind of person who would give everything until he has nothing left. He's given you himself. He'll never do anything that he thinks will hurt you, even if it's killing him."

 

"Hyukjae-"

 

"Broke his heart. I know. And I know you think he has no right to come back and expect anything from anyone, let alone Donghae. But this thing, this unfinished business will rot away until it destroys everyone touched by it. Donghae. Hyukjae. You. So just give him some space, let him figure this out and be there for him if he decides to come back."

 

"If?"

 

"If."

 

\---

 

_Heechul freezes in the corridor, two cups of coffee burning his hands through the thin Styrofoam. He stares at Hyukjae in the overly white hospital corridor. Hyukjae's eyes are wide, almost like a thief caught red handed. And he is. Hyukjae has no right to be here._

_"Why are you here?" he asks, making his voice harsh. Hyukjae flinches as if Heechul had slapped him. He would have. If he hadn't promised Kyuhyun coffee._

_"I… Sungmin hyung called me."_

_Of course he had. Sungmin, that soft hearted idiot._

_"So he called you. Why are you here?"_

_Hyukjae falters, eyes darting to anywhere but to Heechul. "I … just… I wanted to know if he," he meets Heechul's eyes as if recalling the purpose of his visit had given him courage, "if he's alright."_

_"I really don't think it's any of your business anymore, do you?"_

_"Hyung…"_

_"Don't! I'm not your fucking hyung. If you decided to leave, then why don't you stay gone?" he hisses._

_Hyukjae's eyes fill with tears and Heechul feels a pang of something that is the culmination of years of watching this kid grow under his eyes. But he manages to bury it by remembering why they're at a hospital in the first place._

_"I'm sorry," Hyukjae whispers, taking a step back. Heechul can see the tears shining under the white hospital lights._

_Heechul watches Hyukjae walk away and almost calls him back, almost tells him to stay because even after all this time, Donghae still loves you. But Kyuhyun is asleep by Donghae's bedside and_   _Heechul bites his lip and turns away._

 

 

\---

 

"What does he want?" Kyuhyun snaps the moment Sungmin opens the door.

 

"Kyuhyun-ah…"

 

"Why the fuck is he here?"

 

Sungmin narrows his eyes. "Calm down, Kyuhyun."

 

"You knew didn't you? You knew he was going to come back! How could you let Donghae see him like that? Why would you?"

 

Sungmin sighs and rubs at his forehead tiredly. "I didn't know he'd come to the studio, okay."

 

"Of course not. You just want him to get to Donghae some other way!"

 

"Get to Donghae? Kyu, he just wants-"

 

"I don't care what he wants! Don't you understand? I don't give a fuck about why he's here or what he wants. I just care about Donghae." And the way the shadows had clung to his eyes this morning and the gentle sadness in his voice. "And Donghae doesn't need him to come back and destroy his life again."

 

Sungmin reaches for him pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Kyu. But if Donghae wants to see him-"

 

Kyuhyun steps out of his reach. "He doesn't! Why would he?" He leaves and refuses to answer his own question.

 

\---

 

_"Hyukjae is gone."_

_Kyuhyun blinks. "What?"_

_"He's gone back home, -"_

_Kyuhyun sprints out of the room. He doesn't need Heechul to finish his words to understand what that means, that after weeks of tension and almost-fights, Hyukjae, that bastard had done what Kyuhyun had never thought he would._

_When he gets to the apartment, the front door is unlocked and he finds Donghae curled up on the floor of the bedroom, utterly, utterly still. Kyuhyun stumbles to his knees beside him. No matter how hard he tries he can't stop his hand from shaking when he reaches out._

_"Donghae…"_

_"Please," Donghae gasps like Kyuhyun's touch had unlocked his voice, "please…"_

_Kyuhyun gathers Donghae unresistingly in to his arms and Donghae cries, warm, heavy tears that soak through Kyuhyun's shirt. Kyuhyun holds him closer and hates Hyukjae more than anything in his life. And wishes he'd come through that door so Donghae can stop crying like this, so helpless and heartbroken, so Kyuhyun can step out of this place where he's the only one left and it's up to him to save Donghae. But Kyuhyun has never been the prince on the white horse. He's never saved a damsel in distress in his life. But maybe for Donghae, and only Donghae, he can put on his armour and strap on his sword, because he realised a long time ago that for Donghae, he would do anything._

\---

 

Hyukjae lifts his head but doesn't meet his eyes.

 

"I'm sorry, hyung."

 

Sungmin sighs. "Hyukjae-ah, where are you staying right now?"

 

Surprised, Hyukjae looks at him. "I'm… Junsu's letting me stay with him."

 

"Yoochun's okay with that?" Sungmin blinks.

 

A small smile appears at the corners of Hyukjae's lips. "Yeah, for a while at least."

 

Sungmin takes a sip of his tea. Hyukjae looks the same, if a little skinnier and Sungmin doesn't remember those lines that just crinkled around his eyes.

 

"And work?"

 

"Yunho hyung is letting me work part time at his shop," Hyukjae smiles, "I like it."

 

"You know Shindong might-"

 

"No," Hyukjae says so fast, knuckles white around his mug, "I don't want him to. Kyuhyun is right, I have no right to come back in to their lives anymore."

 

"Kyuhyun's just worried."

 

"He loves him." Hyukjae swallows. "And that's good isn't it, hyung?" Hyukjae looks away and the expression on his face is the saddest Sungmin has ever seen. Sungmin wishes it was within his power to never have such an expression cross Hyukjae's face again.

 

"I can't come back, can I hyung?" Hyukjae asks softly, watching the half bloomed roses sway gently in the wind outside. "Even if I wanted to, I shouldn't come back." Hyukjae looks at him, as if he's waiting for an objection. As if it's up to Sungmin to decide. "Heechul hyung was right, I should have stayed gone."

 

"Hyukjae, why did you come back?"

 

Hyukjae's eyes flicker up to his' then away again. "Because I…" Hyukjae chuckles softly and looks up at him with a great sigh. “Because I fell in love with a boy on the first day of my dance class, and I promised him I’d always come home to him."

 

\---

 

Sungmin opens the door to find Donghae on his doorstep. He looks around for Kyuhyun who is nowhere to be found. Then back at Donghae, who looks as though he hasn't slept in a week.

 

"Hyung…" Donghae hesitates, "Has he come back home?"

 

Sungmin sighs. "If he has, would you want to see him?"

 

Donghae ducks his head, dark hair falling in to his face and hiding his eyes. Sungmin wants to laugh at the way Donghae is shuffling his feet, like a teenager about to go on his first date. In fact Sungmin remembers the first time Donghae had asked Hyukjae out. Remembers him appearing at his doorstep with a giant bouquet of roses that would have taken most of his pay, and a nervous smile. Hyukjae had spent an hour trying to decide what to wear and had come home with the biggest smile on his face. They had been happy.

 

 

"I just… is he okay? Did his parents… do they still hate him?" Donghae asks looking up. There is so much concern in his voice that Sungmin wants to cry.

 

"No, Donghae-ah. He left them this time."

 

Donghae's eyes widen in surprise. "Why?"

 

Sungmin reaches out to brush the hair back from Donghae's face and Donghae leans back reflexively out of reach.

 

"I'm sorry, hyung," he apologises when he realises what he'd done. Sungmin laughs lightly. "You only let Kyuhyun touch you now?"

 

Donghae blushes and Sungmin forces himself not to ask whether Kyuhyun knows that Donghae is here, that he's here for Hyukjae.

 

"Donghae-ah, you have to decide what you want."

 

Donghae smiles slightly and takes a step back. "It doesn't matter though, does it hyung?" he turns to leave, "what I want."

 

\--

  

"Kyuhyunnie."

 

Kyuhyun looks up from watching Donghae pushing food around on his plate to meet his eyes.

 

"I'd like to see Hyukjae tomorrow." Donghae's voice is soft, tentative, unsure of Kyuhyun's reaction. Kyuhyun is surprised that this conversation didn't happen a week ago. But then maybe a week ago he might have reacted differently.

 

_He doesn't belong to you._

 

He never wants to be the one to hurt Donghae in anyway. Even if he'd destroy himself in the process, even if he has to give up the best thing in his life, he'd never hurt Donghae. Never take from him more than what he's willing to give.

 

"Okay."

 

He watches Donghae's eyes widen. Kyuhyun knows he expected more resistance, for himself to act like he always had when Hyukjae was involved.

 

"Should I get dinner or…" he lets the sentence hang, doesn't dare finish it.

 

Donghae nods. "I'll be home for dinner," he says with a smile. Kyuhyun doesn't think it's obvious, the breath of relief he releases but Donghae leans over and kisses him anyway.

 

\---

 

_He remembers the sirens of the ambulance. So sharp, piercing through the night but he'd barely heard them as the ambulance weaved it's path through what little traffic there was that night. He remembers not being able to breathe, never getting enough air in his lungs as the paramedics tried so hard to get Donghae to wake up._

_What did he take? How many? Does he have a history?_

_Sleeping pills. I don't know. He doesn't. Help him, please._

_He'd called Heechul first, then Sungmin when Heechul didn't answer._

_I should have realised. I should have taken those pills away but he couldn't sleep and I couldn't… He grips his hands in Sungmin's shirt and presses his face into his shoulder, forcing the tears back before they fall._

\---

 

_The first thing Donghae says when he finally opens his eyes and finds Kyuhyun waiting for him is "I can't sleep without him," voice so soft and tired and Kyuhyun clenches his fingers around the standard white coverlet of the hospital bed in an effort to not crush Donghae's hand in the other. "I'm alone now."_

_"Don’t' be an idiot," Kyuhyun growls when the sight of tears in Donghae's eyes become too much, "Do you think I'm going anywhere?"_

 

\---

 

He doesn't even realise he'd dropped the bag of takeaway, barely hears the plastic containers thump on the concrete because there is Donghae, sitting on his doorstep, leaning back against the door. Kyuhyun runs. There is no way Donghae should be home so early, not when he had gone to meet Hyukjae. Which means that bastard must have done something and Kyuhyun is going to kill him if he makes Donghae cry again. He drops to his knees infront of Donghae who opens his eyes in surprise.

 

"Donghae," he says breathlessly.

 

Donghae smiles.

 

"What happened? Are you okay?"

 

Donghae touches his face with a gentle hand. "I'm making you worry again." He kisses Kyuhyun softly. "I'm sorry."

 

"I thought-"

 

"I didn't see him."

 

Kyuhyun blinks. "What?"

 

Donghae drops his eyes and scratches at a crease in his jeans. "I couldn't. He was there sitting in the café. It felt like… I was always the late one, you know. He always had to wait for me. And there he was waiting for me again," Donghae gasps for breath, "Except I couldn't go in. I couldn't do it."

 

Kyuhyun pulls Donghae into him. "I'm sorry, Kyu. I'm sorry."

 

Kyuhyun presses his face into Donghae's soft, dark hair. "Stop it. Stop apologising."

 

\---

 

_"Don't you love me anymore?"_

_Hyukjae flinches back at the question. At the quiet sadness in Donghae's voice when all his other words had been so loud, so demanding._

_"Donghae…"_

_"What did I do?"_

_"You didn't do anything, Donghae, you didn't do anything wrong."_

_"Then why do you want to leave?" Donghae sounds so small, so confused and Hyukjae digs his nails into his palms in order to not take those five steps separating them and beg Donghae's forgiveness._

_"I can't lose my family." He turns his face away deliberately, "You wouldn't understand," he says knowing Donghae would hate him for it. Because it wasn't true. Donghae had always understood how important family was to him. And Donghae knew the value of family more than anyone because life never granted him one and he had to build it himself, one by one, people he loved and who loved him back._

_He picks up his bag and walks to the door. There will be one less person in Donghae's family from now on._

_"I'm not going to come back." He turns his head and he can see Donghae silhouetted in the afternoon sunlight, frozen in the middle of the living room. "I'm sorry, Donghae."_

 

\---

 

"He wouldn't come out of his room and I think he might have stolen Yoochun's last bottle of vodka."

 

Sungmin freezes as he reaches for Hyukjae's door. "What?"

 

Junsu shrugs although he is frowning in worry. "Yeah… and I might have heard a few things break in there last night."

 

Sungmin knocks on the door. "Hyukjae-ah?"

 

Silence.

 

Sungmin shares a worried look with Junsu.

 

"I'm coming in, okay?" Sungmin calls and opens the door slowly.

 

Hyukjae is sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed, head buried in his knees. Sungmin picks his way through the broken glass on the floor, wrinkling his nose against the smell of alcohol filling up the room. He kneels down beside Hyukjae.

 

"Hyukjae-ah… what happened?"

 

No answer.

 

"What did he say?" Sungmin tries again.

 

Hyukjae makes a low keening sound, like a wounded animal. Sungmin rushes to wrap his arms around Hyukjae. "Hey. Hey. Tell me. Tell me what happened, Hyukjae-ah."

 

Hyukjae topples into him and Sungmin braces his knees against the floor and holds him.

 

"He didn't come," Hyukjae whispers into Sungmin's chest. Sungmin feels the words stab into his heart.

 

"Oh Hyukjae, I'm sorry," he murmurs against Hyukjae's hair.

 

"No, it's… why should he have come after what I did? I'm the fuckup who thinks saying sorry will make everything better," Hyukjae says bitterly.

 

"Listen to me, Hyukjae, don't give up on him okay," Sungmin whispers, fingers combing through Hyukjae's dark hair.

 

"How many chances do I get, hyung? Kyuhyun has loved him better than I ever did."

 

"Don't be an idiot, Hyukjae!" Sungmin tugs gently at Hyukjae's hair to emphasise his point. "Donghae will never love anyone better than you. Just like you will never love anyone better than him. Fight for him, Hyukjae-ah, don't let him go."

 

Hyukjae lifts his head and looks at him with hopeful tear stained eyes. "What can I do?" he asks, fingers tangled in Sungmin's shirt.

 

Sungmin leans forward and kisses his forehead. "Come with me."

 

\---

 

"I want to talk to Donghae."

 

Kyuhyun crosses his arms across his chest and lifts his chin. Sungmin's jaw clenches and his eyes move past Kyuhyun, searching for Donghae.

 

"Donghae-ah!"

 

"What do you want Sungmin?" Kyuhyun growls, "Why can't you just leave him alone?"

 

"Stay out of this, Kyuhyun," Sungmin snaps, "this has nothing to do with you."

 

"This has everything to do with me!" Kyuhyun yells.

 

"Kyu, what's- Sungmin hyung!"

 

Kyuhyun clamps his mouth shut and glares but Sungmin's eyes are only for Donghae.

 

"Please don't play with him like this Donghae."

 

"Hyung-"

 

"Do you know how long he was waiting for you yesterday? He-"

 

"Four hours," Donghae whispers, "he waited for me for four hours."

 

Sungmin stares at him wide eyed for a moment.

 

"Can I talk to you outside for a minute, Donghae?"

 

Donghae makes to step forward but halts at the last minute, looking at Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then he turns on his heel and leaves, disappearing into the bedroom without a second glance. Donghae stares after him but Sungmin clamps a hand on his wrist and pulls him out of the house and down the stairs. Donghae follows without complaint until they come to the empty car park and Hyukjae is there, waiting. Donghae freezes and Sungmin lets go of his hand.

 

Then Hyukjae falls. Knees hitting the asphalt hard as he falls at Donghae's feet, head bowed.

 

"I need you to know that I didn't leave because I didn't love you," Hyukjae pleads. Donghae stumbles back as if burnt. Hyukjae looks up, tears shining in his eyes. "Donghae…"

 

"Stand up… Please," Donghae whispers, "please, Hyukjae." Hyukjae does, slowly and deliberately like he's 80 instead of 25.

 

"I can't leave him," Donghae says, "I won't."

 

"Do you hate me?"

 

"Why did you say you won't come back?"

 

"Because I thought you'd never want me if I came back."

 

\---

 

Being a white knight is so much harder than what the fairy tales say, because they never tell you what happens after the 'ever after'. Smiting dragons and winning the love of your life and then what? It says nothing about how the past is never truly gone, that it can turn up out of the blue one day and threaten to destroy everything the knight had worked so hard for. He finally understands what people mean when they say if you love someone, let them go. He'd never understood. If you love someone, then you stayed with them forever.

 

Unless they loved someone else more and you could see it every time you woke up in the morning.

 

"Stars belong in the sky," he whispers to himself as he watched Hyukjae on his knees and Donghae forcing himself to not reach out and pull him up. He turns away from the window, nails digging in to palms and if there are tears in his eyes, it's only because of the cold wind and nothing else.

 

He waits three days because he's a masochist and not because he's waiting for a miracle.

 

"Jungsu hyung called me. He says he has a great job lined up for me."

 

Donghae blinks at him across the breakfast table. "What?"

 

"I'm leaving," he says and realises his mistake the moment the words are out of his mouth and Donghae's eyes widen in horror. He is out of his chair and kneeling by Donghae in a blink.

 

"You're leaving me?" Donghae whispers and Kyuhyun mentally kicks himself because he is so sure Donghae would have asked this very question once before. He takes Donghae's hands in his' and looks up at him.

 

"Donghae, I love you. I've loved you from that day when you spent the last of your money to buy me ice cream even if you had to walk home afterwards. But you've never really belonged to me, no matter how much I wanted to pretend otherwise. You said I'd always know when you need me, well… I know when you don't need me too. And you don't need me now, Donghae. Even if I want to be selfish and keep you to myself. I can't. I won't. Go back to the sky, Donghae, stars don't belong on the earth."

 

Donghae sniffs and there are tears running down his face and Kyuhyun hates himself because for all that he'd never wanted to make Donghae cry, he is the one hurting him like this.

 

"He's a bastard but," he reaches up with one hand to place it firmly over Donghae's heart, to feel it beating strongly under his palm, "this heart, beating so fast under my hand, it's only ever beat for one person. And whatever kind of an asshole he is, I can't say he doesn't love you." he holds Donghae's sad eyes and hopes this is the last time those eyes will ever be sad. "Go home, Donghae."

 

Donghae leans down until his head hits Kyuhyun's shoulder. Kyuhyun wraps an arm around Donghae's back and the other threads in to Donghae's hair and he lets his tears fall into Donghae's dark hair and doesn't pretend his heart isn't broken anymore.

 

\---

 

"There's someone in my department I think you'll really like. He's got a very cute smile,” Jungsu hyung says, merging the car into afternoon traffic.

 

Kyuhyun keeps his eyes fixed outside the window. "Don't start, hyung."

 

Jungsu reaches over to squeeze Kyuhyun's hand.

 

"No more broken hearts for us, Kyuhyun-ah." Jungsu smiles when Kyuhyun turns to stare at him in surprise.

 

"Let's start again."

 

\---

 

"Kyuhyun left."

 

"Donghae...what?"

 

"Jungsu hyung offered him a job. He left last night."

 

"… Why?"

 

"I could never keep a secret from him. He's always seen right through me. Turns out I've been lying to myself a lot recently."

 

"Donghae…"

 

"I remember when you first came to the studio. You were hiding behind Sungmin hyung. And then you peeked out from behind hyung and looked at me. I waved at you because I was new too and I thought we could be friends."

 

"Heechul hyung made fun of my hair and Jungsu hyung hit him on the shoulder."

 

"You smiled at me and I'd never seen a gummier smile and you were already the most beautiful person I'd ever seen."

 

"I thought I was the only one. I thought if I could have one person in the world as mine, then it'd be you. And when you asked me out, I'd never been happier. Donghae, you… you've always made me feel like the luckiest person in the world."

 

"Can we start again?"

 

"I'd like that."

 

\---

 

Heechul opens the door to find Hyukjae standing there, a massive bouquet of red roses in his hands and a nervous expression on his face. Heechul smirks a little and leans against the door frame, crossing his arms across his chest. Hyukjae meets his eyes for a moment before glancing down at his shoes.

 

"Let's get a few things clear," he says and hears Hyukjae swallow, "I liked Kyuhyun. I liked him better than you."

 

Hyukjae flinches, fingers tightening around the rose stems.

 

"But I'm not Donghae and for some reason I'll never understand, he's given you another chance. Look at me!"

 

Hyukjae's head snaps up, eyes wide.

 

"If you ever pull a stunt like the last one you pulled, if you ever, ever hurt him in anyway, I will pull you apart bone by bone. Do you understand?"

 

Hyukjae nods. “Yes, hyung.” Hyukjae flinches just as the words leave his mouth but Heechul only smirks.

 

“I expect him home before 12,” he says sternly and Hyukjae almost, almost smiles.

 

“Yes, hyung.”

 

\---

 

_"Dance with me," Hyukjae asks, holding out a hand to Donghae under the bright street lights, two blocks from home. Donghae blinks. Hyukjae is smiling. Donghae grins in acceptance and puts the bag of take away on the ground. He takes Hyukjae's hand and lets him pull him closer. The street is empty. There are no people, no cars, only the gentle hum of a city falling asleep. It's just them and this warm summer night and Hyukjae's hands warm on Donghae's hips and Donghae's fingers tangling in Hyukjae's hair._

_"Funny, I think I can actually hear music," Donghae laughs, tracing patterns on Hyukjae's neck with his fingers._

_Hyukjae touches their lips together. "Did you really think I'd let you walk home alone?" he murmurs against Donghae's lips._

_"I did ruin our dinner plans," Donghae answers, letting Hyukjae twirl him with a laugh. Hyukjae's face is serious when he pulls Donghae back into his arms._

_"I wouldn't." Hyukjae lifts a hand and cradles Donghae's face, "I'd never leave you."_

_Donghae smiles. "But what if you have to go save the world one day?" he asks, tilting his head with a playful grin._

_"I'd always come back to you." Hyukjae leans their foreheads together, "Always."_

_Donghae closes his eyes and breathes. "You know I'm going to hold you to that," he says and hears Hyukjae laugh, bursting out of him almost like a sob. "Okay," he says and kisses Donghae like he's searching for air, "okay."_

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Title from SJ's Daydream.


End file.
